Jonny ‘The Butcher’ Santiago specializes in celebrity assassinations.
As of last night, Little Mix are no more.
As agreed with the ITV heirarchy, Lesley Judd delivers her soul to the offices of ‘I’m a Celebrity…..’.
“Give me coffee”.
“No, Rex, no bacon roll for you”.
“Coffee. I want coffee”.
“No, Rex! No!! You’ll get fed when we get home”.
“Jeez, I’m 63 in your years and you’ve not once bought me a coffee. What’s a lifelong, loyal friend got to do to get a coffee? Macchiato, please, if they do it”.
“Yes, nice bowl of Winalot is what you want”.
“Fucksake”.
If it wasn’t for the sandflies in Martha’s knickers it would have been a wonderful moment of well-being.
The annual pilgrimage to the distant slopes of Swazzock Hill, where the inhabitants of surrounding villages offer their newborns up for sacrifice.
With the last portion of Jim’s intestinal tract thrown to the now expectant gulls, Janice felt that she was finally in the clear.
In approximately 2 hours from now Gladys Braithewaite will become the first UK victim of the man-eating Venezuelan Pygmy Death Slug, only visible by it’s signature luminous slime trail.
Norman Doig of 99 Acacia Avenue, Bournemouth is the first to witness the phenomenon of 9 year-olds falling from space.
The search for Shergar continues.
Bradley’s plans to circumnavigate the globe by bicycle encounter a major obstacle.