As agreed with the ITV heirarchy, Lesley Judd delivers her soul to the offices of ‘I’m a Celebrity…..’.
“Give me coffee”.
“No, Rex, no bacon roll for you”.
“Coffee. I want coffee”.
“No, Rex! No!! You’ll get fed when we get home”.
“Jeez, I’m 63 in your years and you’ve not once bought me a coffee. What’s a lifelong, loyal friend got to do to get a coffee? Macchiato, please, if they do it”.
“Yes, nice bowl of Winalot is what you want”.
“Fucksake”.
If it wasn’t for the sandflies in Martha’s knickers it would have been a wonderful moment of well-being.
The annual pilgrimage to the distant slopes of Swazzock Hill, where the inhabitants of surrounding villages offer their newborns up for sacrifice.
Expecting to interview the 43rd President of the United States of America, Piers Morgan storms out of the studio as the research team collapse in hysterics.
With the last portion of Jim’s intestinal tract thrown to the now expectant gulls, Janice felt that she was finally in the clear.
In approximately 2 hours from now Gladys Braithewaite will become the first UK victim of the man-eating Venezuelan Pygmy Death Slug, only visible by it’s signature luminous slime trail.
Derek’s self-confessed and deep love of kelp was leaving Miriam more and more isolated.
Edna and Elsie reminisce about the 1970s and their pole-dancing tour of the rigs.
For 35 years Bert and Sid were in love.
They sat on daisy-covered embankments at sunset watching the trains roll by. They would hold hands and whisper Cumbrian train timetables in each others ears.
One crazy night in 1982 they spent the night in an abandoned L.N.E.R sleeping car.
And then, last year, Bert spotted locomotive G103 and didn’t tell Sid.
They haven’t shared the same platform since.
